I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
