im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
