I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
