Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
