She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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