I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
