What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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