OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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