my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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