me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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