my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
