My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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