I didn't shave. On purpose
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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