You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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