I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
