Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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