Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
