Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
