So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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