You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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