Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
