shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
