On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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