Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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