he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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