apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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