Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
