I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
