Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
