Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
