I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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