Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP