He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
