I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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