Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I look better un-naked...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
