I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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