I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
