you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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