She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're my little dorito
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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