You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
