i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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