hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
