I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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