so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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