census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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