I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
