Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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