During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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