I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
