I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
