i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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