You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
