there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
whose parrot is this?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
