I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
