you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize