I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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