Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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